STAYING ALIVE. SORT OF.

I just looked up my life expectancy on the Internet.  I have no idea why I do stupid things like that.

Granted, this was the first time I’d done this particular stupid thing – and don’t ask me why I chose today to do it.  Call it actuarial curiosity and leave it at that.

Bear in mind that this was life expectancy for a male at my current age, not life expectancy from birth. And don't think for a second that's a distinction without a difference.

First of all, a newborn is neither interested in, nor capable of, ascertaining how much longer he or she has to live – which, by the way, is 74.8 years (that’s 74 years, 302 days, if you’re not fluent in decimalspeak), according to the actuarial web site, annuityadvantage.com.

And, in the unlikely event that the little baby in question could wrap his little brain around that number, he or she would probably just raise one little eyebrow in recognition that 74.8 years is more or less in keeping with the biblically promised "three score and 10" years.

"The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labor and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away." – Psalms 90.

And when you've yet to stare down your first birthday cake, gray hair or ex-wife, 74.8 years must seem like more than time enough to touch all the bases in that baseball game we call life.

But when the nice folks at annuityadvantage.com inform you – in that dry, soulless way that only estate planners are capable of – that, at age 46, you're due back at the Mortality Library in exactly 31 years and 11 months, well, let's just say it's time to start hoping for overtime.

(You know, there was a time in my life when I never would have mixed metaphors like that. But honestly. What’s the point?)

So there you have it. Nice knowin' ya.

OK, so it's not like I'm checking out any time soon. It does appear that I'll be allowed to loiter around long enough to see how "The Event" turns out, while perhaps not long enough to share in the birth of the final Duggar baby.

But what about everything in between?

We'll get back to that.

I took one last peek at the life expectancy web site before I unplugged my computer, placed it under a tarp on the back porch and assumed the fetal position under my bed. And that was to see how long it had been since I still had more years left to live than had already passed.

That was at age 38 – or what I will henceforth refer to as "The Tipping Point." Anyway, the day I turned 38, I had 39 years and one month left in the bank.

Now, I'm sure those of you who can perform math in the face of death have already deduced that my life expectancy has actually gone up since turning 38. But if you are not an estate planner, here's how the math works:

Age 38 + 39.11 = 77.11

Age 46 + 31.93 = 77.93

That stands to reason, since each year I don't die by some unnatural means, the more likely I am to die of natural causes, driving the average up another notch. So, by simply avoiding a fatal car wreck, a flying bullet or excessive fried food since Aug. 31, 2002, I've added another 9 1/2 months to my life on the back end.

Strangely, that's not as comforting as one might think.

But what about those 31.93 years I have coming to me? Does knowing how much sand remains in the hourglass (Dammit! Another metaphor?) compel me to behave differently? Or am I free now, with so little time left, to simply wallow in self-pity?

I'll let that great American troubadour, John Mellencamp, provide the answer, with a verse from his 1987 song, "The Real Life."

I guess it don't matter how old you are

Or how old one lives to be.

I guess it boils down to what we did with our lives

And how we deal with our own destinies.

But something happens

When you reach a certain age,

Particularly to those ones that are young at heart.

It's a lonely proposition when you realize

That there's less days in front of the horse

Than riding in the back of this cart.

Note: John Mellencamp was 36 when he wrote that song, giving him a life expectancy of 40.96 more years – and an overall life span of 76.96 years. Today, John is still rockin’ at age 59 – and for good reason, because 59 is the actuarial tipping point that pushes your life expectancy past 80.  Way to go, John.  I knew you could do it.

But can I?